You know what always ticked me off? I would ask people for advice on how to act on a first date and all I ever got was "'Be Yourself."
Well, I will tell you and you can choose to follow my advice or not, but at least I am giving you more than "Be Yourself."
1) Do not go to a movie. Just don't.
2) Make it a lunch date. It's a first meeting. It doesn't need to be long. This way you are forced to go back to work and not stay trying to prolong the date.
3) Greet them, if you want, with a short hug.
4) Do not show you are nervous. Showing you are nervous only gives the illusion(see other blogs for meaning of this term) power.
5) A light touch now and then is okay, but that is it. You are just their date, a relative stranger, don't show affection until they've shown it to you.
6) Ask them questions, smile, be fun and make sure they are having fun. Obviously, avoid serious topics and steer clear of past relationship talk.
7) Do not kiss on the first date no matter how much you like the person. If you do, you will imagine kissing them again and long for a second date that may never happen.
8) If at any point during the date, they pull out a cell phone and start talking or texting leave. I'm serious. If they are inconsiderate enough to do this, then they have no respect for you and obviously aren't very interested, so leave.
9) If at any point you notice a major red flag such as extreme rudness or filth, leave.
10) If they do not ask for a second date at the end of the first one, move on. Do not waste your time waiting to be asked out again, or asking people why they haven't asked you out, or begging the illusion to take you out again. Yes, it hurts but just be grateful you aren't wasting anymore time on the person who isn't the one for you.
It is just a first date. If you have followed the advice on my "How Not To Get Hurt" blog then you haven't spent any time obsessing over the person or the date. You showed up looking your best, you didn't act nervous, you asked them questions, had fun, gave them a hug goodbye and said " Call me" so they know you want another date. That is all you can do. If after a week, they haven't asked you out, please forget them and move on.
If you feel hurt, then read my "How to get over a Broken Heart" blog. In short, don't spend a second in sadness over someone who isn't the one for you.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
How to Avoid Getting Hurt When You Meet Someone New.
So you've just started talking to someone. Follow these rules and you won't get hurt.
1) Do not reveal too much about yourself to the illusion (called such as they may or may not be the one.)
2) Never text or email the illusion. If the illusion is like 99 percent of the people I know, they are terrible at replying to emails and text messages. If the illusion doesn't reply to you, it will hurt and you will stare at your phone waiting for a reply that either never arrives or is too short to be fulfilling.
3) When at work, turn your cell phone off and each night turn off your cell phone at a certain time such as 9pm. Do not turn the phone on again until you absolutely have to. You don't want to spend a dinner hoping every time the phone buzzes that it is the illusion or wondering why the illusion hasn't contacted you. Only check your emails at night when you are home. All this is done to prevent wiring your brain to constantly think of this person.
4) Do not talk about the illusion with anyone until you have gone out on a few dates first. If you talk about the illusion and ask advice then the illusion becomes important and they don't need to be until you know where you stand in their life.
5) Do not show any anger or jealousy to the illusion. Do not tell them what to do or try to change them in anyway.
6) Treat them and think of them only as a friend. (See the First Date Blog.)
I could have expanded on each point further, but I don't need to because you have done the opposite of what I list above and you know the consequences.
1) Do not reveal too much about yourself to the illusion (called such as they may or may not be the one.)
2) Never text or email the illusion. If the illusion is like 99 percent of the people I know, they are terrible at replying to emails and text messages. If the illusion doesn't reply to you, it will hurt and you will stare at your phone waiting for a reply that either never arrives or is too short to be fulfilling.
3) When at work, turn your cell phone off and each night turn off your cell phone at a certain time such as 9pm. Do not turn the phone on again until you absolutely have to. You don't want to spend a dinner hoping every time the phone buzzes that it is the illusion or wondering why the illusion hasn't contacted you. Only check your emails at night when you are home. All this is done to prevent wiring your brain to constantly think of this person.
4) Do not talk about the illusion with anyone until you have gone out on a few dates first. If you talk about the illusion and ask advice then the illusion becomes important and they don't need to be until you know where you stand in their life.
5) Do not show any anger or jealousy to the illusion. Do not tell them what to do or try to change them in anyway.
6) Treat them and think of them only as a friend. (See the First Date Blog.)
I could have expanded on each point further, but I don't need to because you have done the opposite of what I list above and you know the consequences.
How to Get Over a Broken Heart
The time for sadness has ended. It's time for you to become yourself again.
But first who am I?
I am just a woman who didn't follow the normal dating path and as a result had years more than the average woman to be blissfully happy and innocent.
When I was 17, I was very happy. I knew out there was the man I was going to marry and I was going to save myself for him. Reality hit after college when I discovered that between myself and my future husband was a lot of heartbreak and hurt.
My first heartbreak left me with a deep sadness that lasted about three months.
I continued to date feeling as if I was losing apart of myself with each date I went on. Even though the person wasn't the right one, I still felt sad because once again I was alone with no idea who my future husband could be.
But then someone came along that I thought could be the one, but after sometime I knew he wasn't and that realization broke my heart.
I know you have been where I have. I thought of him every second, I had imaginary conversations with him in my head, I missed him, I hoped for a future with him. I carried my phone with me everywhere hoping he would call or text and was miserable when he didn't. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. In short I had ceased being myself and instead became a vessel of adoration for someone who didn't deserve my efforts.
But I learned three truths.
1) There is always someone better.
2) When that someone else comes along, you will wonder how you ever could have been sad about anyone that came before this person.
3) ANYONE that makes you unhappy is not the one for you.
It was that last truth that caused my sadness to vanish. Hear me now, no matter how perfect you think this person is or how much you fear no one else will be better, if this person makes you unhappy they are NOT the one because the one would not want you to suffer.
I knew that I was the one causing my sadness. I was letting myself think of someone who wasn't thinking of me. I was feeling sad about someone who was out somewhere laughing and not giving me a second thought. And no way was I going to mourn the loss of someone who couldn't recognize my worth.
Why am I single? Because I haven't met a man smart enough to see I am the one he shouldn't let go.
What to do:
1) Turn off your phone and put it away. Let the people you talk to daily(except the one you are trying to avoid obviously) know you are doing this and that they can reach you via email or another number. Doing this will give you a much needed mental rest.
2) Do not talk about the pretender or the illusion(called such because this person is just a mirage, someone you thought was the one but isn't) Talking about the illusion may seem therapeutic but all it is doing is continuing the obsessive thought.
3) Distract yourself. Go out to eat with friends, go to the movies. Do not make the mistake I did and go to a club. Exercise even though I know when you feel sad, you lack the energy. I know the feeling of just wanting to sleep. Don't give in to it. Laughter is a huge help, so hang out with your friends and laugh and watch any television program or movie that will make you laugh.
4) Hope. Rent a movie with the actor or actress you think is perfect. Watch it and realize that there is someone out there for you. Someone who will not cause you unhappiness. Someone who will love you completely 100% no change needed.
Still not convinced? Then write a list of what the illusion does that makes you unhappy. The illusion will keep doing these things, even if you end up with them , you still will be unhappy.
Why stay with them when you could be with someone who lights up your world? Why settle for someone just because they are there?
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not blissfully happy and running through fields of daisies. But any longing I feel is not for the person who is not right for me, it is for the person I am waiting for and the not knowing when we will meet.
But first who am I?
I am just a woman who didn't follow the normal dating path and as a result had years more than the average woman to be blissfully happy and innocent.
When I was 17, I was very happy. I knew out there was the man I was going to marry and I was going to save myself for him. Reality hit after college when I discovered that between myself and my future husband was a lot of heartbreak and hurt.
My first heartbreak left me with a deep sadness that lasted about three months.
I continued to date feeling as if I was losing apart of myself with each date I went on. Even though the person wasn't the right one, I still felt sad because once again I was alone with no idea who my future husband could be.
But then someone came along that I thought could be the one, but after sometime I knew he wasn't and that realization broke my heart.
I know you have been where I have. I thought of him every second, I had imaginary conversations with him in my head, I missed him, I hoped for a future with him. I carried my phone with me everywhere hoping he would call or text and was miserable when he didn't. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. In short I had ceased being myself and instead became a vessel of adoration for someone who didn't deserve my efforts.
But I learned three truths.
1) There is always someone better.
2) When that someone else comes along, you will wonder how you ever could have been sad about anyone that came before this person.
3) ANYONE that makes you unhappy is not the one for you.
It was that last truth that caused my sadness to vanish. Hear me now, no matter how perfect you think this person is or how much you fear no one else will be better, if this person makes you unhappy they are NOT the one because the one would not want you to suffer.
I knew that I was the one causing my sadness. I was letting myself think of someone who wasn't thinking of me. I was feeling sad about someone who was out somewhere laughing and not giving me a second thought. And no way was I going to mourn the loss of someone who couldn't recognize my worth.
Why am I single? Because I haven't met a man smart enough to see I am the one he shouldn't let go.
What to do:
1) Turn off your phone and put it away. Let the people you talk to daily(except the one you are trying to avoid obviously) know you are doing this and that they can reach you via email or another number. Doing this will give you a much needed mental rest.
2) Do not talk about the pretender or the illusion(called such because this person is just a mirage, someone you thought was the one but isn't) Talking about the illusion may seem therapeutic but all it is doing is continuing the obsessive thought.
3) Distract yourself. Go out to eat with friends, go to the movies. Do not make the mistake I did and go to a club. Exercise even though I know when you feel sad, you lack the energy. I know the feeling of just wanting to sleep. Don't give in to it. Laughter is a huge help, so hang out with your friends and laugh and watch any television program or movie that will make you laugh.
4) Hope. Rent a movie with the actor or actress you think is perfect. Watch it and realize that there is someone out there for you. Someone who will not cause you unhappiness. Someone who will love you completely 100% no change needed.
Still not convinced? Then write a list of what the illusion does that makes you unhappy. The illusion will keep doing these things, even if you end up with them , you still will be unhappy.
Why stay with them when you could be with someone who lights up your world? Why settle for someone just because they are there?
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not blissfully happy and running through fields of daisies. But any longing I feel is not for the person who is not right for me, it is for the person I am waiting for and the not knowing when we will meet.
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